I Didn't See It Coming

It all began three years ago, when we first met at the camp.

I still remember those moments vividly, and I never expected the story that began that moment to be so continue on for so long until now. Yes, that story is still alive even now at the present moment.

I remember the moment we met. The days, months and years that followed lives on in my mind. It still lives on in reality. Frankly, I was prepared to grow distant from you after the camp, because that's what happens to most people after they've just met for a brief period. I thought that's what would happen. I thought that the next time we met in school or anywhere else we'll act as is we're total strangers. Obviously, looking back at history from this point of time, I gladly say that my thoughts were erroneous.

Fine, so our friendship carried on. We grew so close (and we are still seemingly growing even closer at present). You even fell for me. But at that time, things were different. Nothing more than our friendship worked out. Comparing now and then, we've probably changed a little interiorly, but the main differences were exterior and circumstantial. We'll leave the details of our feelings about each other for another post.

The months, then years, went by. We didn't grow distant. Our friendship remained. Of course, there were periods when I felt really neglected by you when you were cut of from the world because you were concentrating on other relationships. I admit, I was frustrated disappointed and to some extent, angry. But that was what I had expected, not only from you, but from everyone else as they grow up and go into relationships. I thought that would finally draw us apart. Yet, it didn't.

The time and experiences that we went through individually in our own lives had failed to be stronger than what kept us together. Finally, it came the time when we would be leaving secondary school for good. It was after SPM. All the while since I met you in Form 3, you were so sure that you would be leaving for Singapore. I made the early preparations to not have you in my life anymore, at least not as a close friend. I thought that our relationship would be reduced to mere acquaintances. You were supposed to disappear from my life. It was supposed to be the axe of a guillotine that had fallen on the victim's next, so I thought. You've guessed it, I was wrong, again.

All out of a sudden, here you are, in Sunway College. Not only that, we're in the same course. More still, we meet each other so often and share so many things. And as I've mentioned, we're even growing closer.

Just two words to describe this. Jaw-dropping. Seriously, I wouldn't have expected this at any point of time in history. If I had somehow been shown the present situation in the past, I would have been in utter confusion. I mean all these from the bottom of my heart. Seriously.

Anyway, that's the story. I had to begin with the story first before proceeding to continue the topic about rumours. So, back to the topic. Rumours.

Ever since Form 3, in fact, ever since we've met, we've been rumoured to be a couple.

Not long after we met, you fell for me. But nothing went further than our friendship. In our relationships, we went our own ways, might it be success or failure at the end of the road.

The rumours continued throughout the years. Later on, I was rumoured to be in a relationship with a few other girls. But I had already seen the rise and downfall of those rumours.

But the rumours about us, it lasted for three full years, and still counting. They are the longest rumours concerning me that I've ever had. They never died out, nor did they waver, even during the times when other rumours existed. Not even when we were looking at opposite directions from each other. Close friends and new acquaintances said the same things about us. So did the teachers; I can even remember the canteen worker saying that. Everybody said the same thing : we're a couple. We seem to have feelings for each other. We seem to be somehow connected. When people saw us, they knew that we're somehow meant for each other, like a couple, at least that's the first impression they get.

Probably what people see is the way we talk to each other. Probably it's the way we relate and act around each other. I don't know. But what I know is that people have been seeing something special in between us.

Through the years, many things changed; the audience, the time, the situations, the environment, the friends etc.

Yet, one thing remained until now. Yes, you've guessed it, the rumours remained in the midst of the massive changes.

As I've mentioned in the previous post, in this kind of situation, people simply just don't have a motive to start these rumours. Some even don't have the means. Others just have some other better things to do than to spread rumours. Considering the situation also, the rumours come from mouths of people who are worlds apart and unrelated. It is almost close to impossible to coordinate such an attack over such a wide spectrum of people.

In other words, it wasn't a planned attack to cause trouble. People, the public, are just honestly saying what they see : we have feelings for each other, and probably, we'll suit well as a couple. And if the public is just saying what they see, then the rumours aren't rumours anymore. They're real. Period. It's just that we were unable to see what others saw. As I said, sometimes we need a mirror; someone else to see what we can't.

I don't know about you, but as for myself, now I know that all the while these 'rumours' have been true. I had feelings for you all the while which I didn't even know.

I don't know whether deep inside you have feelings for me or not, but if you do, I can understand why you don't see it, because I didn't see it myself.

I didn't manage to see that I had such a strong feeling for you. It slowly developed into such a powerful force, something that's more than mere emotions caused by chemicals in the head. Discretely, it formed such a strong bond in between us. And all these happened without me knowing.

Why didn't I realize it earlier on?

Maybe it was because at first, when I just met you, I had to deal with the hurts of my past. When I was younger, those emotional wounds were not treated. They slowly rotted and gave a stench which affected the people around me. I'm writing figuratively here. What I mean is that those hurts caused me lots of confusion which eventually affected my character, especially concerning girls. And I had to deal with that when I first met you. I'm still dealing with them now, but after many successes I'm much better now as you know it.

Probably I didn't know it also because all the while I was trying to get my perspectives right. After a dark and hellish past, people do tend to get messed up. I was just getting out of that at that time. I was trying to find my ground, trying to set things right. Of course that took time too. And in its course, there were many other factors. I had to develop myself interiorly. I had to discover myself. I had to set my attitude right. I had to form my identity. I had to know what I'm heading for in life. Around me there were other influences; the society, other girls, the modern culture etc. All these factors played major roles. It's complicated stuff, nothing much straightforward can be found in these matters. Of course, in this matter and many others, the Church was the guiding light for me all the while.

So, all the while, the rumours weren't rumours; they were the truth buried inside me that I couldn't see. Thinking back now, the fact that I had liked you all the while really does make sense. After unearthing all the lies and mess that I was buried in, I've finally exhumed the long-buried truth. And the truth is : I had feelings for you. I still do. And it's just more than feelings. I love you.

I didn't see all these coming. That truth buried within me for so long, I didn't know. Yet, people with those so-called 'rumours' could see it clearly. They weren't lying. By reason and logic, those 'rumours' are believable. The truth had already been known for so long. I knew it, but I didn't believe it. I just pushed it aside, because I was ignorant and I couldn't see it.

So, now my question is : the rumours are still ongoing, what do they mean?

These 'rumours' survived everything that was thrown at it. Are they really just mere 'rumours'? How can rumours, effectively lies, be so resilient if they were really lies? Probably they're not lies.

On my side, I've got it all sorted out crystal clear; the 'rumours' were right all the while. I've always had feelings for you.

How about you?

What do you have to say?

Are the rumours true?

How does all these make sense if they aren't true?

What's the story, then?

What are people seeing in you in this matter concerning the both of us?