At The Hind End

It's 2.30 am.

I just finished doing a past year's exam paper for P1. I still haven't taken my bath today(or rather yesterday). And I'm still awake trying to get things into order while worrying about how I'm going to face the next day. Life is complicated and difficult.

I've been listening to a few songs on Youtube while doing some pure maths work. One song that really caught my attention, not only now, but ever since I first heard it is this - Where Is The Love? by Black Eyed Peas. I never liked rap because of the message that songs of such genre often convey. However, to my surprise, this song is different. I like it.

Anyway, back to the topic. I just suddenly had the urge to blog.

Semester 1 was a disaster in many ways. Let's talk about my studies first. Everything concerning that just got blown up sky high and came down crashing and burning in Semester 1. Semester 2 : things are better and recovering although there are still some areas that are still being blown up. Now, in the recovery process, not everything is going well, but there's much more progress. Of course I sure do hope that it carries on. I hope that I'll make the cut for the main AS and A2 exams, and doing well for the other mock and class tests would be a bonus.

But not many people seem to be appreciating my efforts. And it would naturally follow that not many realise the changes either. I know I'm making progress. That's an established fact. Why? Because I know myself better and I know what I've been doing. Only a few have seen my efforts. Thank you for that. But the rest; the encouragement given is way lesser than the discouragement. Nobody, and I mean generally, seems to be aware of the true story behind it. I often get misunderstood as being lazy and just wouldn't care about my studies. The truth is, they do not know the whole story. I can't blame them either, because it appears as such superficially. However, they should still find out the whole story before adhering to erroneous views about me. And if they only know bits and pieces of it, it's better for them to stay silent. It wasn't just studies that I had to contend with; I had to go through so many personal tribulations in my life. Hardly anybody took that into account. Either way, the situation is still the same now. I feel left behind in my studies.

Thanks to you anyway, beloved. You had confidence in me that I could score A*'s. You said that you knew I could. You encouraged me. Yes, I would definitely try to aim for that, but I'm not saying that I'll necessarily get that. It would definitely be a happy occasion if I do score a straight A*'s. But like I told you, there are other things that would make me happier. One of them is being with you in a committed relationship; you know that. Anyway, A* is not everything. Life is more than that. Life is love, and that is the fundamental thing. Life is more than just studying blindly and chasing achievements after achievements; life has to be lived meaningfully. Life must not be wasted by blind ignorance. Life has to be uplift to its greatest heights.

Life is seemingly haunted endlessly by its miseries. I do feel left out in many other ways too. Many times when I log in into Facebook, I get notifications about people, friends going into relationships. When I visit a friends' pages, I so often get new surprises; they have entered into a relationship. One by one, they go into relationships. It happens so fast; it is like raindrops falling in the middle of a storm. And a very dark storm it is. I even hear it from the people around me wherever I go that 'this and that' person has gone into a relationship. Many people I know well, even many of my close friends, have already gone into a relationship. I feel terribly left out, not because of peer pressure, but because I feel that everybody is advancing in life, especially in terms of their relationships. I do not want a relationship just because 'other people is doing it'; I genuinely want it, and the desire is interior. It just seems to be such a significant part of me that's missing. Do you know how torturous is it? It's like rubbing salt into wounds. It's like pressing burning iron into raw skin. And in both cases, the pain does not go away. It's as if I will never stop burning. Many people do not know that, and they misjudge me precisely because of that.

Yet and again, I'm left behind. I'm always at the hind end of everything.

Since the beginning of the year, I've been left behind in terms of my personal relationship, friendships and studies. Thank God, these tribulations seem to be lightening now. I've more friends and I'm catching up with my studies. Although I still have issues concerning my personal relationship, my relationship with my beloved has been advancing at an unexpected rate. Whatever it may be that will happen, I know God is with me.

The world is filled with the filth of mankind's foolishness.

And all the filth has made our lives miserable.

Where does the filth come from? It comes from our inability to love. When we don't love, we screw up big time. And it affects other people too.

God please save us from this mess.

Where is the love?