At The Hind End

It's 2.30 am.

I just finished doing a past year's exam paper for P1. I still haven't taken my bath today(or rather yesterday). And I'm still awake trying to get things into order while worrying about how I'm going to face the next day. Life is complicated and difficult.

I've been listening to a few songs on Youtube while doing some pure maths work. One song that really caught my attention, not only now, but ever since I first heard it is this - Where Is The Love? by Black Eyed Peas. I never liked rap because of the message that songs of such genre often convey. However, to my surprise, this song is different. I like it.

Anyway, back to the topic. I just suddenly had the urge to blog.

Semester 1 was a disaster in many ways. Let's talk about my studies first. Everything concerning that just got blown up sky high and came down crashing and burning in Semester 1. Semester 2 : things are better and recovering although there are still some areas that are still being blown up. Now, in the recovery process, not everything is going well, but there's much more progress. Of course I sure do hope that it carries on. I hope that I'll make the cut for the main AS and A2 exams, and doing well for the other mock and class tests would be a bonus.

But not many people seem to be appreciating my efforts. And it would naturally follow that not many realise the changes either. I know I'm making progress. That's an established fact. Why? Because I know myself better and I know what I've been doing. Only a few have seen my efforts. Thank you for that. But the rest; the encouragement given is way lesser than the discouragement. Nobody, and I mean generally, seems to be aware of the true story behind it. I often get misunderstood as being lazy and just wouldn't care about my studies. The truth is, they do not know the whole story. I can't blame them either, because it appears as such superficially. However, they should still find out the whole story before adhering to erroneous views about me. And if they only know bits and pieces of it, it's better for them to stay silent. It wasn't just studies that I had to contend with; I had to go through so many personal tribulations in my life. Hardly anybody took that into account. Either way, the situation is still the same now. I feel left behind in my studies.

Thanks to you anyway, beloved. You had confidence in me that I could score A*'s. You said that you knew I could. You encouraged me. Yes, I would definitely try to aim for that, but I'm not saying that I'll necessarily get that. It would definitely be a happy occasion if I do score a straight A*'s. But like I told you, there are other things that would make me happier. One of them is being with you in a committed relationship; you know that. Anyway, A* is not everything. Life is more than that. Life is love, and that is the fundamental thing. Life is more than just studying blindly and chasing achievements after achievements; life has to be lived meaningfully. Life must not be wasted by blind ignorance. Life has to be uplift to its greatest heights.

Life is seemingly haunted endlessly by its miseries. I do feel left out in many other ways too. Many times when I log in into Facebook, I get notifications about people, friends going into relationships. When I visit a friends' pages, I so often get new surprises; they have entered into a relationship. One by one, they go into relationships. It happens so fast; it is like raindrops falling in the middle of a storm. And a very dark storm it is. I even hear it from the people around me wherever I go that 'this and that' person has gone into a relationship. Many people I know well, even many of my close friends, have already gone into a relationship. I feel terribly left out, not because of peer pressure, but because I feel that everybody is advancing in life, especially in terms of their relationships. I do not want a relationship just because 'other people is doing it'; I genuinely want it, and the desire is interior. It just seems to be such a significant part of me that's missing. Do you know how torturous is it? It's like rubbing salt into wounds. It's like pressing burning iron into raw skin. And in both cases, the pain does not go away. It's as if I will never stop burning. Many people do not know that, and they misjudge me precisely because of that.

Yet and again, I'm left behind. I'm always at the hind end of everything.

Since the beginning of the year, I've been left behind in terms of my personal relationship, friendships and studies. Thank God, these tribulations seem to be lightening now. I've more friends and I'm catching up with my studies. Although I still have issues concerning my personal relationship, my relationship with my beloved has been advancing at an unexpected rate. Whatever it may be that will happen, I know God is with me.

The world is filled with the filth of mankind's foolishness.

And all the filth has made our lives miserable.

Where does the filth come from? It comes from our inability to love. When we don't love, we screw up big time. And it affects other people too.

God please save us from this mess.

Where is the love?

A Force From The Past

Nostalgia. Those fond memories from the bygone past.

So often fondness and meaning is found in them.

Might sound ridiculous to some, but I miss high school life.

Ok, A-Levels is definitely than SPM. But going to school or college is more than just the academics. It's an entire lifestyle and environment. And I prefer the high school life compared to college life. I just wish I could be doing A-Levels at Seafield. Who cares about the necessity to wear school uniforms in high school? I admit that there are flaws in the school rules and some rules are unnecessary to begin with. But the thing is, the value of the togetherness and the sense of a stronger community found in high school life surpasses the other imperfections.

In college, people are more individualistic. The communitarian atmosphere, settings and environment hardly exist. It is lonelier in college. Bad social politics abound. Forget about having a friend to listen to your problems, you can hardly find the people and opportunity to simply hang out, crack some jokes and have an enjoyable time together doing random stuff as it always happened in high school.

As for me, the situation is worse. Being an introvert and with my differences from a social standpoint, it's even harder to adapt to the new lifestyle, schedule and environment. Sometimes I feel like I'm in an alien world. I wouldn't what others would say, but college ain't that fun for me.

I miss high school.

I love going back to high school for visits or any other activities or events.

In high school, I did have bad experiences. But now, high school is just so much more comfortable. With many more friends and familiar faces back there, people would come up and say hi, and have a chat. People are friendlier there. Feels much more homely. There's much more of a community there with tighter bonds between individuals. Walking down the corridors, the fondness of the past return*. I love it.

I guess that in college things just change. People and matters change. Nothing is certain anymore. Everything just keeps moving so fast. We just need some silence, some rest before carrying on our paths. I just hope that I, and everyone else, would not loose ourselves in the tides of life. Hopefully, we will not be swept away by the waves and loose ourselves. We have to be the person that we are, and in this rat race world, the worldly ambitions often achieve the opposite. I hope people realise this fact. I hope that education, like the one my peers and I are receiving in college now, will serve to make us better at being who we are, and not to sweep us away in the rat race. Education must not ony care for the intellect by nurturing it with knowledge, but rather, education has to care for the entire human person that goes beyond knowledge and intellect.

Imagine, a few years down the road, we'll be missing college like how I'm missing high school now.

I know that this will happen. We know that this will happen. But what are we to do?




*Sometimes, I just wish that we could revisit the past that we had in the same school together. I wish that we could 'time travel' as you termed it, in the place where we spent many years growing up while our friendship was nurtured. I wish we could go back to the past together just for a few instance at the school where we studied for so many years. Yes, this is directed to you. You know who you are. You might not be reading this now, but I just wanted to write it down.

Unforgettable

Instances of sweet moments pass fast, but their residue sink deep into the recesses of the mind and never escape it.

I will never forget the times we spent together.

I will never forget;
the times you laid your head on my shoulder while I played the piano,
the times you pecked my cheek,
the times you held my hand, even if it was just for a brief instant,
the time we carried each other's load*,
the times we went out together,
the times we ate together,
the times we did random stuff,
the times we sat beside each other,
the times we were around each other; quietly enjoying each other's presence.

I will never forget.

As times pass, what will these lead to?

I sure do hope it'll be something greater.

But I'll bask in the splendour of the moment for awhile more. I hope that whatever we have for each other will not end. I hope that our paths will be the same.

I am grateful now that I have what I could never imagine asking for in the past.

I just hope that you're the one.

But everything is obscure now.

Come what may; God be my light and please give me the grace to embrace it all.



*Thank you for helping me carry my burdens in the past, but this time around, I have to carry my burdens by myself. Sorry, but you can't help me. I won't let you help me. I'm not going to burden you with this immense load. I'll carry this load by myself, with God by my side.

The Promise

Thank you for the promise.

It's a promise that we make to each other.

Whatever that will happen in the future, we'll always keep our friendship going.

We'll still be friends through thick and thin. We'll be there for each other.

Even when distances separate us, our friendship will not be stretched.

Even when arguments and misunderstandings undermine our friendship, we'll get over it together.

Whatever difficulties we face, we'll overcome them together.

To our friendship : come what may.

How Did It Happen?

How did my feelings for you develop?

If you would ask me that question, I honestly can't give you a one-worded straightforward answer.

Probably, it's the times we spent together all throught the years.

The times we ate together.
The times we went for library duty together.
The times we argued.
The times we just talked casually and chatted.
The times we joked.
The times we hanged out together.
The times we shared our problems with each other.
The times we called each other (I still remember the time when you called me at 3 a.m.)
The times we were just simply around each other.
The times we went for sports together (cycling, jogging, badminton etc., remember?)
The times we were there for each other.

There was just so much time we spent with each other. Over the years, we experienced so much together.

True indeed, we had our own paths.

But our paths kept intersecting each other's path.

I remember so many times expecting to loose you.

Yet, beyond what my feeble mind could conceive, you are here with me, again and again.

It just seems like we couldn't be apart.

Something will jsut keep us together. Somehow, we'll end up with each other again and again.

What does all these mean?

Maybe what it means wouldn't matter so much.

Our friendship means so much.

Despite the odds, you're one of my closest friends ever.

We've been through so much together, for so long.

We'll go through more together.

That's what matters.

My feelings for you, are more than feelings.

I love you.

And I know that this love takes sacrifice. I will forget myself for you.

Sacrifice I will for you, because I love you.

That's what it is. I love you.

I Didn't See It Coming

It all began three years ago, when we first met at the camp.

I still remember those moments vividly, and I never expected the story that began that moment to be so continue on for so long until now. Yes, that story is still alive even now at the present moment.

I remember the moment we met. The days, months and years that followed lives on in my mind. It still lives on in reality. Frankly, I was prepared to grow distant from you after the camp, because that's what happens to most people after they've just met for a brief period. I thought that's what would happen. I thought that the next time we met in school or anywhere else we'll act as is we're total strangers. Obviously, looking back at history from this point of time, I gladly say that my thoughts were erroneous.

Fine, so our friendship carried on. We grew so close (and we are still seemingly growing even closer at present). You even fell for me. But at that time, things were different. Nothing more than our friendship worked out. Comparing now and then, we've probably changed a little interiorly, but the main differences were exterior and circumstantial. We'll leave the details of our feelings about each other for another post.

The months, then years, went by. We didn't grow distant. Our friendship remained. Of course, there were periods when I felt really neglected by you when you were cut of from the world because you were concentrating on other relationships. I admit, I was frustrated disappointed and to some extent, angry. But that was what I had expected, not only from you, but from everyone else as they grow up and go into relationships. I thought that would finally draw us apart. Yet, it didn't.

The time and experiences that we went through individually in our own lives had failed to be stronger than what kept us together. Finally, it came the time when we would be leaving secondary school for good. It was after SPM. All the while since I met you in Form 3, you were so sure that you would be leaving for Singapore. I made the early preparations to not have you in my life anymore, at least not as a close friend. I thought that our relationship would be reduced to mere acquaintances. You were supposed to disappear from my life. It was supposed to be the axe of a guillotine that had fallen on the victim's next, so I thought. You've guessed it, I was wrong, again.

All out of a sudden, here you are, in Sunway College. Not only that, we're in the same course. More still, we meet each other so often and share so many things. And as I've mentioned, we're even growing closer.

Just two words to describe this. Jaw-dropping. Seriously, I wouldn't have expected this at any point of time in history. If I had somehow been shown the present situation in the past, I would have been in utter confusion. I mean all these from the bottom of my heart. Seriously.

Anyway, that's the story. I had to begin with the story first before proceeding to continue the topic about rumours. So, back to the topic. Rumours.

Ever since Form 3, in fact, ever since we've met, we've been rumoured to be a couple.

Not long after we met, you fell for me. But nothing went further than our friendship. In our relationships, we went our own ways, might it be success or failure at the end of the road.

The rumours continued throughout the years. Later on, I was rumoured to be in a relationship with a few other girls. But I had already seen the rise and downfall of those rumours.

But the rumours about us, it lasted for three full years, and still counting. They are the longest rumours concerning me that I've ever had. They never died out, nor did they waver, even during the times when other rumours existed. Not even when we were looking at opposite directions from each other. Close friends and new acquaintances said the same things about us. So did the teachers; I can even remember the canteen worker saying that. Everybody said the same thing : we're a couple. We seem to have feelings for each other. We seem to be somehow connected. When people saw us, they knew that we're somehow meant for each other, like a couple, at least that's the first impression they get.

Probably what people see is the way we talk to each other. Probably it's the way we relate and act around each other. I don't know. But what I know is that people have been seeing something special in between us.

Through the years, many things changed; the audience, the time, the situations, the environment, the friends etc.

Yet, one thing remained until now. Yes, you've guessed it, the rumours remained in the midst of the massive changes.

As I've mentioned in the previous post, in this kind of situation, people simply just don't have a motive to start these rumours. Some even don't have the means. Others just have some other better things to do than to spread rumours. Considering the situation also, the rumours come from mouths of people who are worlds apart and unrelated. It is almost close to impossible to coordinate such an attack over such a wide spectrum of people.

In other words, it wasn't a planned attack to cause trouble. People, the public, are just honestly saying what they see : we have feelings for each other, and probably, we'll suit well as a couple. And if the public is just saying what they see, then the rumours aren't rumours anymore. They're real. Period. It's just that we were unable to see what others saw. As I said, sometimes we need a mirror; someone else to see what we can't.

I don't know about you, but as for myself, now I know that all the while these 'rumours' have been true. I had feelings for you all the while which I didn't even know.

I don't know whether deep inside you have feelings for me or not, but if you do, I can understand why you don't see it, because I didn't see it myself.

I didn't manage to see that I had such a strong feeling for you. It slowly developed into such a powerful force, something that's more than mere emotions caused by chemicals in the head. Discretely, it formed such a strong bond in between us. And all these happened without me knowing.

Why didn't I realize it earlier on?

Maybe it was because at first, when I just met you, I had to deal with the hurts of my past. When I was younger, those emotional wounds were not treated. They slowly rotted and gave a stench which affected the people around me. I'm writing figuratively here. What I mean is that those hurts caused me lots of confusion which eventually affected my character, especially concerning girls. And I had to deal with that when I first met you. I'm still dealing with them now, but after many successes I'm much better now as you know it.

Probably I didn't know it also because all the while I was trying to get my perspectives right. After a dark and hellish past, people do tend to get messed up. I was just getting out of that at that time. I was trying to find my ground, trying to set things right. Of course that took time too. And in its course, there were many other factors. I had to develop myself interiorly. I had to discover myself. I had to set my attitude right. I had to form my identity. I had to know what I'm heading for in life. Around me there were other influences; the society, other girls, the modern culture etc. All these factors played major roles. It's complicated stuff, nothing much straightforward can be found in these matters. Of course, in this matter and many others, the Church was the guiding light for me all the while.

So, all the while, the rumours weren't rumours; they were the truth buried inside me that I couldn't see. Thinking back now, the fact that I had liked you all the while really does make sense. After unearthing all the lies and mess that I was buried in, I've finally exhumed the long-buried truth. And the truth is : I had feelings for you. I still do. And it's just more than feelings. I love you.

I didn't see all these coming. That truth buried within me for so long, I didn't know. Yet, people with those so-called 'rumours' could see it clearly. They weren't lying. By reason and logic, those 'rumours' are believable. The truth had already been known for so long. I knew it, but I didn't believe it. I just pushed it aside, because I was ignorant and I couldn't see it.

So, now my question is : the rumours are still ongoing, what do they mean?

These 'rumours' survived everything that was thrown at it. Are they really just mere 'rumours'? How can rumours, effectively lies, be so resilient if they were really lies? Probably they're not lies.

On my side, I've got it all sorted out crystal clear; the 'rumours' were right all the while. I've always had feelings for you.

How about you?

What do you have to say?

Are the rumours true?

How does all these make sense if they aren't true?

What's the story, then?

What are people seeing in you in this matter concerning the both of us?

The Public Eye

Rumours.

Rumours for most of the time are false news targeted at certain individuals or entities to bring them a bad name; it stems from malicious intentions.

However, sometimes, rumours cease to be rumours anymore when the falsehood they carry is no more false, but is discovered to be the hidden truth.

What do I mean?

Imagine this : if a rumour was meant to personally attack an individual on a public scale, it would usually be devised by one or more persons, the very ones who wish misfortune on another. Those people will then spread the lies they made up to the public through friends and deliberate loose talk in the public sphere. Thus, the lies spread and the victim will be the prey.

To stop the rumour, the victim would either have to retort by the means of defending oneself publicly from the lie and exposing the truth. On the other hand, moving away to another social environment, that is to remove oneself from the public sphere that has already bought the lies to another that is still free from the rumours would also put a dent into the rumours, logically speaking. This is because once the person which the rumours attack is gone, so will the rumours be gone as there isn't a target anymore. By moving to a new social environment, one would also be distanced from the person who started the rumours, and thus eliminating the source of the rumours from one's own social circle. The rumours then would die off.

However, here's the catch : what if after moving to a new social environment that was free, is still free and for the foreseeable future will be free from the rumours of the past, the rumours still persist? And it happens again and again, after moving from one environment to another. To complicate matters, the rumours do not originate from a single source, but instead, it comes from society, which is each and every person around you. What then can be said about the rumours?

What if the rumours come from random people; people who are known and unknown, bad and good, old and young, friends and enemies, and the list goes on? Quite literally, almost everyone says the exact same thing which you deny and think that it isn't true to your last neuron. And it happens everywhere, everytime around everybody. Try changing the variables; the people, the time, the location, whatever you may think of. Yet, the while everything else changes, the rumours don't.

And the people who spread the rumours about you have no motive and intention, and some of them don't even have the means to do so.

A person whom you have just met, versus a good and close friend you have known for years; they both say the same thing. Why? Would they have the same motive of maliciousity? Quite unlikely.

An elder person, possibly parents or a lecturer, versus strangers giving odd glances and stares at you, which indicates what's going on in their minds, state the same thing which you call a rumours. Why? Would they have the possibility of collaboration? I don't think so.

After stripping away the various variables that do not affect the outcome and considering the many factors which surround what are supposedly rumours, only one conclusion that could be soundly and validly drawn is this : the rumours aren't rumours although you think that they are; they're true. Being in such a situation, you might deny the facts that people tell you as rumours, but reason tells you otherwise, for nothing else can be concluded rationally except that the rumours are true.

After running from one space and time to another, the rumours do not seem to leave. One has to ask oneself why is this so. It is not because the rumours do not leave you but instead keep on following you. Instead, it is because the you are the 'rumours'; the rumours only appear as lies to you because it is a hidden and suppressed truth within yourself.

From this understanding, rumours cease to be rumours and everything makes much more sense.

Sometimes, we can't see what we have within ourselves.

Sometimes, it takes a third person to do so.

Sometimes, we need a mirror to look at ourselves.

And that mirror is the eyes of others; the public eye.

Sometimes, rumours are so persistant that it doesn't make sense anymore to be false; it can only be true.

And it could be so true that we can't even see it; we need a public eye to see it and point it out for us.

(I'll continue writing in the next post concerning my personal experience that I've went through and I'm still going through now related to this matter.)

Waves Of A Revolutionary Change

What you see above is angry Egyptians protesting in Tahrir Square to oust Mubarak.

Look at the picture, and dwell into the emotions and message it conveys.

That's how I've been feeling for months now.

Genesis

Welcome.

This blog has been created as a private zone within cyberspace to express myself. Only selected readers will be given permission to view this blog. If any of you reading the blog would like to post any forms of comments, you are welcomed to either use your real name or choose a nickname to disguise yourself if you don't want to be known. If you do use nicknames, please do send me a private message so that I would know who you are.

I've decided to establish this blog to be a record of the many events of my life, especially the profound ones. Reading through this blog would be a journey into my life, thoughts, emotions, dilemmas, soul and everything else that constitutes the innermost foundations of my being. The following posts would be memoirs of my life. The writings in this blog will peel off the many layers of my being to expose the true person that I am. It will be a voyage through the story of my life.

The creation of this blog comes at a time of darkness in my life. Tribulations, dilemmas, troubles and woes abound at this time.

And thus, it explains the name of the blog - Spes, which is Latin for hope.

In times of darkness, we must not cease to hope, for when the dark clouds retreat, the Sun will once again rise. The dark clouds will depart, but the Sun is there to stay. The night will be over, and the Sun will arise upon the dawn of a new day.

We must hope.

We must believe.

We must not fear.

We must not fear to open our doors to Christ. We must not fear to seek the Truth. We must not fear to love, for when everything in life falls apart, it is only Love that is there to stay, and apart from Love, we'll be dragged into the unending vortex of darkness.

Above all, we must not fear to love, for love conquers and overcomes all. By loving, we dare to hope.

We must love selflessly, even if it comes at the price of our lives. And I assure you, one way or another, the price of our lives must be inevitably paid when we authentically love selflessly.

Even in the face of suffering, we must love. It is only by loving that we can confront and stand up to the face of suffering. It is only by suffering that we are able not only to prove, but genuinely love selflessly.

Hope is not dead.

Better still, hope CANNOT die.

We have to love.

Be not afraid. Do not fear.