It's Over

It's all over. It just is.

Away From The Rat Race

I have decided to study for a purpose.

To the world, studying is only done for oneself. People study to get a good career. People study to get rich. People study to be popular and famous. People study to hit out at others and over the heads of others. People study to elevate and exalt themselves. People study for selfish purposes, might it be implicitly or explicitly. Yet, many people do not realise that, because our culture is saturated with such a selfish philosophy. The world now is very individualistic, and that's the main theme in many aspects of people's lives, including studies.

I never wanted to be part of this individualistic rat race that the world has delved into. Nevertheless, as a student, I still persevered in carrying on my studies although I didn't hold it of the utmost importance. Neither do I now. There are much greater things and much more to life than studies. In the past I only studied to secure my future. I studied because I was curious, and knowledge fed that curiosity. I never liked how the world handled education, if it could even be called that as many aspects of the human person went undeveloped. The intellect was developed academically, but the human person was still relatively undeveloped.

I now want to study for a profound purpose. I'm not going to be a part of the rat race. I will study not for myself. My curiosity will be fed by knowledge, and that in turn will be used for the sake of others.

What do I mean? I don't know what vocation God has for me in life. I don't know whether I will be a husband or priest next time. But whatever might come, I will study to prepare myself for either role in the future. If I'll be a husband, I will study to have a good career, so that I'll be an efficient breadwinner for my family. Family comes above career. In the family I'll help God build his kingdom. Workaholicism is thrown out of the window. If I'll be a husband and a father, I'll study now fo the wellbeing of my family.

If I'll be a priest, I'll study now to tend to the flock. I'll study now to be able to touch the hearts and souls of those entrusted to me and bring them to God. I'll study to be able to serve them better. I'll study to be a part in their earthly sojourn and lead them to the eternal home.

At The Hind End

It's 2.30 am.

I just finished doing a past year's exam paper for P1. I still haven't taken my bath today(or rather yesterday). And I'm still awake trying to get things into order while worrying about how I'm going to face the next day. Life is complicated and difficult.

I've been listening to a few songs on Youtube while doing some pure maths work. One song that really caught my attention, not only now, but ever since I first heard it is this - Where Is The Love? by Black Eyed Peas. I never liked rap because of the message that songs of such genre often convey. However, to my surprise, this song is different. I like it.

Anyway, back to the topic. I just suddenly had the urge to blog.

Semester 1 was a disaster in many ways. Let's talk about my studies first. Everything concerning that just got blown up sky high and came down crashing and burning in Semester 1. Semester 2 : things are better and recovering although there are still some areas that are still being blown up. Now, in the recovery process, not everything is going well, but there's much more progress. Of course I sure do hope that it carries on. I hope that I'll make the cut for the main AS and A2 exams, and doing well for the other mock and class tests would be a bonus.

But not many people seem to be appreciating my efforts. And it would naturally follow that not many realise the changes either. I know I'm making progress. That's an established fact. Why? Because I know myself better and I know what I've been doing. Only a few have seen my efforts. Thank you for that. But the rest; the encouragement given is way lesser than the discouragement. Nobody, and I mean generally, seems to be aware of the true story behind it. I often get misunderstood as being lazy and just wouldn't care about my studies. The truth is, they do not know the whole story. I can't blame them either, because it appears as such superficially. However, they should still find out the whole story before adhering to erroneous views about me. And if they only know bits and pieces of it, it's better for them to stay silent. It wasn't just studies that I had to contend with; I had to go through so many personal tribulations in my life. Hardly anybody took that into account. Either way, the situation is still the same now. I feel left behind in my studies.

Thanks to you anyway, beloved. You had confidence in me that I could score A*'s. You said that you knew I could. You encouraged me. Yes, I would definitely try to aim for that, but I'm not saying that I'll necessarily get that. It would definitely be a happy occasion if I do score a straight A*'s. But like I told you, there are other things that would make me happier. One of them is being with you in a committed relationship; you know that. Anyway, A* is not everything. Life is more than that. Life is love, and that is the fundamental thing. Life is more than just studying blindly and chasing achievements after achievements; life has to be lived meaningfully. Life must not be wasted by blind ignorance. Life has to be uplift to its greatest heights.

Life is seemingly haunted endlessly by its miseries. I do feel left out in many other ways too. Many times when I log in into Facebook, I get notifications about people, friends going into relationships. When I visit a friends' pages, I so often get new surprises; they have entered into a relationship. One by one, they go into relationships. It happens so fast; it is like raindrops falling in the middle of a storm. And a very dark storm it is. I even hear it from the people around me wherever I go that 'this and that' person has gone into a relationship. Many people I know well, even many of my close friends, have already gone into a relationship. I feel terribly left out, not because of peer pressure, but because I feel that everybody is advancing in life, especially in terms of their relationships. I do not want a relationship just because 'other people is doing it'; I genuinely want it, and the desire is interior. It just seems to be such a significant part of me that's missing. Do you know how torturous is it? It's like rubbing salt into wounds. It's like pressing burning iron into raw skin. And in both cases, the pain does not go away. It's as if I will never stop burning. Many people do not know that, and they misjudge me precisely because of that.

Yet and again, I'm left behind. I'm always at the hind end of everything.

Since the beginning of the year, I've been left behind in terms of my personal relationship, friendships and studies. Thank God, these tribulations seem to be lightening now. I've more friends and I'm catching up with my studies. Although I still have issues concerning my personal relationship, my relationship with my beloved has been advancing at an unexpected rate. Whatever it may be that will happen, I know God is with me.

The world is filled with the filth of mankind's foolishness.

And all the filth has made our lives miserable.

Where does the filth come from? It comes from our inability to love. When we don't love, we screw up big time. And it affects other people too.

God please save us from this mess.

Where is the love?

A Force From The Past

Nostalgia. Those fond memories from the bygone past.

So often fondness and meaning is found in them.

Might sound ridiculous to some, but I miss high school life.

Ok, A-Levels is definitely than SPM. But going to school or college is more than just the academics. It's an entire lifestyle and environment. And I prefer the high school life compared to college life. I just wish I could be doing A-Levels at Seafield. Who cares about the necessity to wear school uniforms in high school? I admit that there are flaws in the school rules and some rules are unnecessary to begin with. But the thing is, the value of the togetherness and the sense of a stronger community found in high school life surpasses the other imperfections.

In college, people are more individualistic. The communitarian atmosphere, settings and environment hardly exist. It is lonelier in college. Bad social politics abound. Forget about having a friend to listen to your problems, you can hardly find the people and opportunity to simply hang out, crack some jokes and have an enjoyable time together doing random stuff as it always happened in high school.

As for me, the situation is worse. Being an introvert and with my differences from a social standpoint, it's even harder to adapt to the new lifestyle, schedule and environment. Sometimes I feel like I'm in an alien world. I wouldn't what others would say, but college ain't that fun for me.

I miss high school.

I love going back to high school for visits or any other activities or events.

In high school, I did have bad experiences. But now, high school is just so much more comfortable. With many more friends and familiar faces back there, people would come up and say hi, and have a chat. People are friendlier there. Feels much more homely. There's much more of a community there with tighter bonds between individuals. Walking down the corridors, the fondness of the past return*. I love it.

I guess that in college things just change. People and matters change. Nothing is certain anymore. Everything just keeps moving so fast. We just need some silence, some rest before carrying on our paths. I just hope that I, and everyone else, would not loose ourselves in the tides of life. Hopefully, we will not be swept away by the waves and loose ourselves. We have to be the person that we are, and in this rat race world, the worldly ambitions often achieve the opposite. I hope people realise this fact. I hope that education, like the one my peers and I are receiving in college now, will serve to make us better at being who we are, and not to sweep us away in the rat race. Education must not ony care for the intellect by nurturing it with knowledge, but rather, education has to care for the entire human person that goes beyond knowledge and intellect.

Imagine, a few years down the road, we'll be missing college like how I'm missing high school now.

I know that this will happen. We know that this will happen. But what are we to do?




*Sometimes, I just wish that we could revisit the past that we had in the same school together. I wish that we could 'time travel' as you termed it, in the place where we spent many years growing up while our friendship was nurtured. I wish we could go back to the past together just for a few instance at the school where we studied for so many years. Yes, this is directed to you. You know who you are. You might not be reading this now, but I just wanted to write it down.

Unforgettable

Instances of sweet moments pass fast, but their residue sink deep into the recesses of the mind and never escape it.

I will never forget the times we spent together.

I will never forget;
the times you laid your head on my shoulder while I played the piano,
the times you pecked my cheek,
the times you held my hand, even if it was just for a brief instant,
the time we carried each other's load*,
the times we went out together,
the times we ate together,
the times we did random stuff,
the times we sat beside each other,
the times we were around each other; quietly enjoying each other's presence.

I will never forget.

As times pass, what will these lead to?

I sure do hope it'll be something greater.

But I'll bask in the splendour of the moment for awhile more. I hope that whatever we have for each other will not end. I hope that our paths will be the same.

I am grateful now that I have what I could never imagine asking for in the past.

I just hope that you're the one.

But everything is obscure now.

Come what may; God be my light and please give me the grace to embrace it all.



*Thank you for helping me carry my burdens in the past, but this time around, I have to carry my burdens by myself. Sorry, but you can't help me. I won't let you help me. I'm not going to burden you with this immense load. I'll carry this load by myself, with God by my side.

The Promise

Thank you for the promise.

It's a promise that we make to each other.

Whatever that will happen in the future, we'll always keep our friendship going.

We'll still be friends through thick and thin. We'll be there for each other.

Even when distances separate us, our friendship will not be stretched.

Even when arguments and misunderstandings undermine our friendship, we'll get over it together.

Whatever difficulties we face, we'll overcome them together.

To our friendship : come what may.

How Did It Happen?

How did my feelings for you develop?

If you would ask me that question, I honestly can't give you a one-worded straightforward answer.

Probably, it's the times we spent together all throught the years.

The times we ate together.
The times we went for library duty together.
The times we argued.
The times we just talked casually and chatted.
The times we joked.
The times we hanged out together.
The times we shared our problems with each other.
The times we called each other (I still remember the time when you called me at 3 a.m.)
The times we were just simply around each other.
The times we went for sports together (cycling, jogging, badminton etc., remember?)
The times we were there for each other.

There was just so much time we spent with each other. Over the years, we experienced so much together.

True indeed, we had our own paths.

But our paths kept intersecting each other's path.

I remember so many times expecting to loose you.

Yet, beyond what my feeble mind could conceive, you are here with me, again and again.

It just seems like we couldn't be apart.

Something will jsut keep us together. Somehow, we'll end up with each other again and again.

What does all these mean?

Maybe what it means wouldn't matter so much.

Our friendship means so much.

Despite the odds, you're one of my closest friends ever.

We've been through so much together, for so long.

We'll go through more together.

That's what matters.

My feelings for you, are more than feelings.

I love you.

And I know that this love takes sacrifice. I will forget myself for you.

Sacrifice I will for you, because I love you.

That's what it is. I love you.